Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Motherhood is a privilege

I've been meaning to update for a few days, and just now really have the motivation. I'm rather irked, you see. I have an interesting family background, full of many unsavory things and people and memories.

My "mother", or rather just the woman who gave birth to me is really not deserving of the title. I have willingly not seen her since I was 11 years old, and on most occasions feel that I wouldn't be sad in the slightest if I never saw her again. She is most certainly the only person I know who I want to grow into the opposite of. I strive my very hardest every day to be a better person than she was to me as a mother. I aim to be a better mother than she is, and to just live a healthier life, affecting people positively - unlike her. This woman has had 3 children, all of which she was entirely incapable of taking care of. She beat us, verbally abused us, and gave us away to foster care, asked us if we wanted to be adopted, and lied about the abuse. She liked to claim we hurt ourselves. She blatantly denied ever hitting us, directly to me. Mind you, I have scars from this woman.

Well, as for that short summary of this woman, I was browsing the interwebs in search of her. Why, do you ask? If I dislike her so much? Well for a while it appeared that she disappeared off the face of the earth. And every once in a while I look online to see if there are any posting for a death, or some such. Sure, it seems pretty morbid, but since I never know what she is doing with her life, I can't be too sure. Sure enough though, this time in looking I actually found her. I found her to be actively posting articles on a site. Quite a few of them turned out to be advice on parenting, many preaching about the many things she was incapable of doing. To top that of course, she makes it seem as though she has always done these great things, and that everyone else screwed her over. She claims to never have hit us, never having abandoned us, and having always given us hugs? Ahh.

I do not know why I allow this woman to affect my life. I should be well beyond her reach, and should let everything roll right off of me. I suppose that in a way I just want to find her one day, and see her remorse over the things she has done, and to try to make amends by honestly facing the past and moving forward positively. I think I know that this will never ever happen. I don't think it's a terrible thing to want one's mother to act like it for once.

I looked at my own child after reading the things she said. I know that I will always be a better mother than she could ever have tried to be. I do not take it for granted. I brought this boy into the world to nourish and love and cherish him indefinitely.

If I have learned anything from my mother, it is that I know what it feels like to be without love. And my son will never have to be starved, and will never be left behind. My son will never bear a bruise from my hand, and my son will feel surrounded by support.

Looking at my son's smile, I see that he already is happy and feels love all around.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

Catching back up

Wow so I realize it has been around 3 months since my last post. So let me get everything out there that you all missed. I had my beautiful boy Noah, on March 10th. He was born by c-section, and I was induced. He is absolutely the light of my life, and time is sure flying. One day soon I will write my labor story for you.

1 month after Noah was born, my entire family (parents and siblings) came to meet new Noah, and we had such a great time. I was so lucky to have had them all come.

My crafting has continued to include adorable baby hats with animal ears on them. Soon they will be available for purchase online, and I am sure you will all love them as much as I do! I have also learned to knit, and have been practicing almost daily.

Life is good, and life is amazing and beautiful. It's so great to stop and be reminded to be thankful for the precious time we have.

For those who read my PUPPPS post, and are wondering how it all turned out, well it took several weeks, about a month actually for it to really 'subside'. I still had a bit here and there for a little longer, and still to this day have random hives show up on my belly, just a few at a time, and they swell really big and are super itchy. I am hoping this will also go away.

Also, I wanted to warn soon to be moms about blocked milk ducts. I had a lot of difficulties in the beginning with breastfeeding, and ended up having a blocked milk duct by the end of the first month. I did all the things that you are told to do, massaging, turning the baby's chin in the direction, hot compresses and ice packs, and nothing worked. I went to the lactation consultant after having it for 3 weeks, and she told me to wait it out. Well a few days after seeing her it became exceedingly inflamed, and huge, it looked like I had a golf ball under my skin. I could barely move my arm, and we went to the doctors - and were prescribed medication. I took the pills for 3 days and then noticed it was way worse, I could see blood pooling under the skin. I was then sent to the hospital, and they ended up having to drain it by sticking a needle in it. It was the worst pain I think I have ever been in. So if you are having difficulties with a milk duct, please press your doctors for the medication if it doesn't go away after about a week. Mine could have been fixed if my lactation consultant had given me the prescription, instead of not listening to me properly. You know your own body.

I am now fully healed and have no problems breastfeeding. I do have a scar from this whole ordeal though. Just pay attention to if it starts to get bigger, that's when you need to get it checked out.

I am now going to entertain you with a few pictures of my son, some with him sporting the new hats I will be selling!