Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Motherhood is a privilege

I've been meaning to update for a few days, and just now really have the motivation. I'm rather irked, you see. I have an interesting family background, full of many unsavory things and people and memories.

My "mother", or rather just the woman who gave birth to me is really not deserving of the title. I have willingly not seen her since I was 11 years old, and on most occasions feel that I wouldn't be sad in the slightest if I never saw her again. She is most certainly the only person I know who I want to grow into the opposite of. I strive my very hardest every day to be a better person than she was to me as a mother. I aim to be a better mother than she is, and to just live a healthier life, affecting people positively - unlike her. This woman has had 3 children, all of which she was entirely incapable of taking care of. She beat us, verbally abused us, and gave us away to foster care, asked us if we wanted to be adopted, and lied about the abuse. She liked to claim we hurt ourselves. She blatantly denied ever hitting us, directly to me. Mind you, I have scars from this woman.

Well, as for that short summary of this woman, I was browsing the interwebs in search of her. Why, do you ask? If I dislike her so much? Well for a while it appeared that she disappeared off the face of the earth. And every once in a while I look online to see if there are any posting for a death, or some such. Sure, it seems pretty morbid, but since I never know what she is doing with her life, I can't be too sure. Sure enough though, this time in looking I actually found her. I found her to be actively posting articles on a site. Quite a few of them turned out to be advice on parenting, many preaching about the many things she was incapable of doing. To top that of course, she makes it seem as though she has always done these great things, and that everyone else screwed her over. She claims to never have hit us, never having abandoned us, and having always given us hugs? Ahh.

I do not know why I allow this woman to affect my life. I should be well beyond her reach, and should let everything roll right off of me. I suppose that in a way I just want to find her one day, and see her remorse over the things she has done, and to try to make amends by honestly facing the past and moving forward positively. I think I know that this will never ever happen. I don't think it's a terrible thing to want one's mother to act like it for once.

I looked at my own child after reading the things she said. I know that I will always be a better mother than she could ever have tried to be. I do not take it for granted. I brought this boy into the world to nourish and love and cherish him indefinitely.

If I have learned anything from my mother, it is that I know what it feels like to be without love. And my son will never have to be starved, and will never be left behind. My son will never bear a bruise from my hand, and my son will feel surrounded by support.

Looking at my son's smile, I see that he already is happy and feels love all around.



Brooke said...

Heather, I'm so sorry to hear this.

Truly though, you are an amazing woman. You deserve the world and now you can give to your child what your mother couldn't give to you. You are BETTER than her. She has and is missing out on a remarkable woman. She's missing out on a beautiful grandchild. It's her loss.

What an amazing blessing that you can accomplish with grace and ease something that you weren't shown as a little girl. You just get it! Everything happens for a reason. You are an inspiration to me.

Heather said...

<3 Thank you Brooke, that means a lot to me!

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